Acknowledgement

When I think back on what once was I smile, not because it pleases me but because it is over.


From time to time memories lure me to what was pleasant about days gone by but it is not long before reality focuses those snap shots and the truth is revealed

It is not uncommon for my mind to wander to what once was and what could have been before it finds its way back onto the path of righteousness.


 It is then that I realize that I do not take pause often enough to be greatful to God for the lessons of the past , the experience of the present or the hope for the future. I have grown, I am growing, yet I have hardly begun to understand my potential for the future.

Simply stated, I acknowledge that I am blessed and for that I am greatful.

You Are

That first thing in the morning smile
That jump whenever my phone rings
The can't-wait-to-leave-work-and-get-to-you's
My truly somethin' special can't stop smilin' thing
My can't believe it worked out, got me wild'n thing
That hold on to my pillow when I can't see you
That good day, bad day, any day kind of friend
The reason I love Sunday afternoons
My monday night football commentator
My favorite argument instegator
That not about anything but about everything
That Christmas morning feelin'
The "it's my birthday" feelin'
That "Momma's makin' sweet potato pie" umption you get before Thanksgiving
And the first sip of coffee on the way to work, just became alert feeling
All that, all this... so much more

Today I cried

Today I cried, not unlike any other day I cried. I cried yesterday and the day before, I cried. I cried uncontrolably in anguish, I cried. My inner rivers of sorrow burst free through the gates to my soul, I cried. Until I shook, I cried. Twice this week people have pulled up besides me to ask if I was okay, or if I needed some help, I shook my head and drove on, I cried. No one called me out of my name, but I cried. I ached , and pained, and cried. Every Sunday morning, and every friday night, as I walk from my seat to my car, unnoticed, unadressed, uninteresting, I cried. I smile and I wave away those superficial reltionships, get in my car, and cry before I can pull out of the lot. I cried.I tried to control myself but I cried, I sobbed, I travailed loudly under the blaring sound system in my '89' Volvo, I cried. I work, I go to class, I go home, I stare up at the ceiling and I cry.




Why do I cry? I cry because I am alone. I know i have Jesus, and he's always enough, yet I cry at night when I sit in silence, look at my phone and anticipate how long it will be before it rings from someone besides my mother. But I've never had friends really, I should be used to it right? It never bothered me before right? It didn't, not until these past few weeks of tears enough to drown in. I never cared much for the company of others, I have a certain distaste for people and the drama the always carry with them. So why do I cry? I pull away from a church I've attended since before most its members new it existed, I walk past people who have "known" me for years, and no one sees me, no one sees past the insincere smile. I realized that I have become an invisible shell of who I once was, and I cried.

Your eyes - a love song to the Lord

You are my sunrise and sunset,

And all that comes between.

Each rain cloud and each dew drop

All mean you to me.

The wind whispers your name,

The birds sing of your ways,

The roses seem to smell of you,

To you the oceans wave.

Your love is the mighty oak,

The cool breeze like your kiss.

And the sweetest honey is still far from,

The sweetness of your lips.

If rain and dew and ocean dried,

Winds, birds, and roses ceased,

If gone the oak, cool breeze and honey,

Your love is still as sweet.

If the celestials would all be gone,

The sun not set or rise,

If all their beauties fade far away,

I'd still find heaven in your eyes.

Who, what, when, where ,how and why

What's the matter with me? Why have I been starring at this blank page for two hours, blanking every time a thought crosses my mind? Why do I push back the words before they develop into concepts? Where is my muse, my rhythm, my life beat, and why did she leave? Why is the light from the screen, once serene, now blinding and binding my words in a place just out of my reach. Where did this swollen emptiness come from and why won't it leave? Why are these unspoken words screaming in my head for me to speak, but refuse to be released? What am I afraid of? Am I hiding from something lurking in the shadows of my mind? Is bigger than my conscious self can handle, so it must remain hid? Are my id and my ego playing keep away with some great mystery my super ego needs not know of? Am I nauseous because my conscious mind is beginning to smell the rotting remains of what the subconscious has let die and remain hidden? Who is that screaming in my mind to "wake up before I die!" and "let die what never lived!" and "what good is a lie?"? Better yet, how do I make the screaming go away and why do I here it every time I stand still, whenever words cease to be spoken, and every moment I am alone? Have I finally lost my mind? Am I really so lonely and insecure that I've learned to ignore good judgment, wisdom, common sense and my very own voice. Have I locked me up in a cage in the back of my existence in order to function in a shallow reality and ignore the emptiness that follows? When did i trade in who I was for who I am? When did I begin to over dose on mental morphine, and keep dragging myself around with a shattered spine? When did it become worth it? And how do I make it stop?

Earth Stands Still

(Warning: this poem was meant to be performed and not read)

If I had a moment in time to share with you


I'd share my world, my dreams, and all I do (and)


I'd stop all time to make your dreams come true ('cause)

For you I'd make the Earth stand still


I'd take the stars right down from the skies (and)

I'd break the rules and I'd break all ties (and)

I'd tell th truth and I'd tell all lies ('cause)


For your I'd make the Earth stand still



I'd hold you down, make you believe (and)


I'd hold you up until you succed (and)


I'll be your breathe in case you can't breathe ('cause)


For you I'd make the Earth stand still



I'm on your team, your number one fan (and)


I'll be your girl if you'll be my man (so)


I'll push you on 'cause I know you can (and)


For you I'd make the Earth stand still


If I had a moment in time to share with you

I'd share my world, my dreams, and all I do (and)

I'd stop all time to make your dreams come true ('cause)

For you I'd make the Earth stand still

New Thing

At the dawn of the ages,

Before sea, before land.
Before time moved forward

Before God made man

At a time when all was ageless

Without shape, without form

Before any good intentions

A new thing was born.

Fresh as the first rain

Cooler than the first breeze

More radiant than first sunrise

Over the first few trees

Sweeter than the first song

From the first bird in the sky

Deeper than the first ocean

Past first mountains, it's so high

Before the first sunset

The first star, the first night

Before the end of darkness

Before the start of Light

Before God created heavens

Before he breathed into the dust.

He looked into the future,

he saw this, He saw us...



"And It was Good in His Sight"
So He Created "The Beginning"

Still there

I'm trying my dambdest to enjoy my new life

But my mind keeps playing pictures of you and your new wife

Your smile still unerves me after all of this time

And apparently I think of you, cause I'm speaking in rhyme

I try and close my eyes but I still see you there

I can't seem to forget the texture of your hair

I'd be lyin' if I said I don't dream of your lips

Or I don't shutter at the thought of being lost in your kiss
All day long I'm good, doin' fine on my own

But I feel it at night when sitting home alone

This could have been us, been me, been you

But instead your just a memory of what was never true

Can't say that I'm not happy, my life is on the rise

However it seems like sinking when I remember those eyes

Am I hung up? No, I hardly even care

It's just those suttle quite moments when it still feels like you're there

If

If all my dreams came true we'd be holding hands under the stars right now, not typing endlessly into a machine that can't hear, won't listen and doesn't care.



If all my dreams came true you'd be here making me laugh and sharing my path, not stting silently in an empty home listening to the sound of my own pulse



If all my dreams came true I'd be everything you wanted, you'd be everything I needed and we'd be everything to eachother instead of my holding mys elf down, and beig a thug in my own rights.



If all my dreams came true you'd be a Lakers fan, like that I'm a nerd, and be man enough to deal with me being me no matter what, as opposed to me being subjected to the idea that me being who I am scares men away



If all my dreams came true, I'd be me, and you'd be you, and that would be okay with us, instead of worrying how others view our relationship



If all my dreams came true you'd exhist and we'd being laughing about all my stupid poems about my dream guy, instead of making you the topic of the most recent



If all my dreams came true ...

Leaving

Okay, okay, okay I've had enough of your shit

I been puttin up with nonsense and its time to call it quits

All you do is acknoledge when I'm not good enough for you

So pack your bags, call Tyrone, I'm done with this , I'm Through

Everytine I'm moving forward, you pull 3 steps back

And I'm sick of compensating for all in life you lack

You lack class, you lack poise, no future, no finesse

Your word aint worth shit and your still full of BS

No more riding on my shoulders, free pass into my shine

Everything I got I earned it, all this success is mine

Don't act like you're all innocent, like you don't know the deal

This never would have happened if you'd have kept it real

But you been busy flossin' like trying to keep up with your friends

While I was at home working, paying bills and making ends

Its funny, I know I wont forget about you when your gone

But I'm doin' like Maya baby, and I'm movin' on

I've taken all I can from you, there's no more I can do

I'm sorry insecurities, but me an you? We're through

Whatever comes out of my head

I waited on you and you never showed

I stood and I waited because I trusted you would be there

Thats your job it's who you are and what you do

You were there for them so why not be there for me?

I've ran this scenario in my mind a million times

And every time it still doesn't add up

You were sapossed to be here

You were sapossed to save me

But I stood and I waited, and you never came

So now I remain here in this mess that I've made

Trying to cling to all that I've known

But none of its helping and none of its working

Now that i need it and fear that I'm lost for good

None of what you've told me is panning out

None of what you said would happen is happening to me

I called you and cried out to you, but you didn't come

You haven't answered. you aren't there

And sadly I now ponder if you ever were.

You are

That first thing in the morning smile



That jump whenever my phone rings



The can't-wait-to-leave-work-and-get-to-you's



My truly somethin' special can't stop smilin' thing



My can't believe it worked out, got me wild'n thing



That hold on to my pillow when I can't see you



That good day, bad day, any day kind of friend



The reason I love Sunday afternoons



My monday night football commentator



My favorite argument instegator



That not about anything but about everything



That Christmas morning feelin'



The "it's my birthday" feelin'



That "Momma's makin' sweet potato pie" umption you get before Thanksgiving



And the first sip of coffee on the way towork, just became alert feeling



All that, all this... so much more