Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Today I cried

Today I cried, not unlike any other day I cried. I cried yesterday and the day before, I cried. I cried uncontrolably in anguish, I cried. My inner rivers of sorrow burst free through the gates to my soul, I cried. Until I shook, I cried. Twice this week people have pulled up besides me to ask if I was okay, or if I needed some help, I shook my head and drove on, I cried. No one called me out of my name, but I cried. I ached , and pained, and cried. Every Sunday morning, and every friday night, as I walk from my seat to my car, unnoticed, unadressed, uninteresting, I cried. I smile and I wave away those superficial reltionships, get in my car, and cry before I can pull out of the lot. I cried.I tried to control myself but I cried, I sobbed, I travailed loudly under the blaring sound system in my '89' Volvo, I cried. I work, I go to class, I go home, I stare up at the ceiling and I cry.




Why do I cry? I cry because I am alone. I know i have Jesus, and he's always enough, yet I cry at night when I sit in silence, look at my phone and anticipate how long it will be before it rings from someone besides my mother. But I've never had friends really, I should be used to it right? It never bothered me before right? It didn't, not until these past few weeks of tears enough to drown in. I never cared much for the company of others, I have a certain distaste for people and the drama the always carry with them. So why do I cry? I pull away from a church I've attended since before most its members new it existed, I walk past people who have "known" me for years, and no one sees me, no one sees past the insincere smile. I realized that I have become an invisible shell of who I once was, and I cried.

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